Awful Jealous Person

You know what I do when I feel jealous? I tell myself not to feel jealous. I shut down the Why not me? voice and replace it with the one that says Don’t be silly instead. It really is that easy. You actually do stop being an awful jealous person by stopping being an awful jealous person. When you feel like crap because someone has gotten something you want, you force yourself to remember how very much you have been given.

 -Cheryl Strayed Brave Enough

I would like to say that as a fully grown adult woman I do not get jealous, but I can’t. The truth is what manifests itself as teenage mean girl at 15 just morphs into keeping up with the Joneses at 37. My blog is called Unbecoming because I am exploring the idea of shedding everything that is not me in order to be my truest self. This process, unfortunately, involves recognizing numerous traits I do not like in myself and trying to redirect these behaviors. Every time I allow envious thoughts to seep into my brain, I disengage my ability to see life with a grateful heart. This attitude of gratitude is what I am constantly striving for and trying to teach my children.

When does this struggle become real for me? There are plenty of things that do NOT prompt me towards jealous thoughts.

• Trips to Disneyworld. I do not need or want “the happiest place on Earth” in my life. I will even broaden this category to include all amusement or water parks. No thank you.
• Babies. I love babies and enjoyed my two, but I’m good. Been there, done that. I love tiny fingers and tiny toes, but I see sleepless nights and dirty diapers.
• Late Nights Out. I can proudly own the fact that I am more of a Netflix and pajamas person at this point in my life. I love to sleep.
• Crafts and Pinterest. This one is pretty obvious.
• Well-groomed Family Pictures. It just isn’t happening. And I wouldn’t want to remember us any other way. We are my beautiful mess, and I own it. Messy hair don’t care.
• Races. I used to be a runner and reaped so much joy and satisfaction from running a race, but at this point, I find running to be torturous. No bibs, medals or chafing sticks in my near future.

But then there are areas where I do have to check myself and “shut down the Why not me voice.”

• Beautiful Lifting. When I see a woman who can make olympic lifting look effortless and the barbell just floats, I find my mind going to that dark, whiny place. Why can’t I do that?
• Grandmothers Playing with their Grandkids. Oh, this one sends me straight to that bad place in a handbasket. My kids have lost not one but both grandmothers.
• Anything and Everything Colorado. I miss Colorado as if it were a piece of my soul. I miss the lifestyle and the views that left me walking around in awe every single time I stepped outside.
• Adventures in the Great Outdoors. Whenever I am staring at a beautiful view or summit from behind a computer screen, my heart sheds a few tears. I want to be there in my happy place.
• The Italian Coast. I have had numerous friends travel to the Amalfi Coast, and their pictures make me wonder why we don’t all drop what we are doing and go there right this second.

Sadly, this list could keep going, proof of how much work I still need to do.

Each time these things come up, I have to check myself. The conversation in my head goes something like this:

What is wrong with you? Do you think someone isn’t looking at your life with your ten month career, healthy children, happy marriage and cozy existence thinking your grass isn’t a little greener? Get a grip and be thankful for what you have. You are acting just like the kids. Be happy for other people, you ungrateful woman.

Developing kind self-talk is also on my to-do list, but you get the point. Internally, I slap myself upside the face each time I sense the envy creeping in on me. I remind myself that while I cannot lift as much as some women, and my mom is lost to Alzheimer’s, and I don’t live in Colorado anymore, and I don’t spend every moment hitting the trails or basking in the sun on an Italian coastline, I have a big, beautiful life FULL of so much love and laughter. I am the luckiest lady I know. In that brief second of pause to redirect my thoughts, I become instantly humbled by the fact that I had the opportunity to discover and fall in love with the barbell in my thirties, and I had an incredible mother who raised me into adulthood and knew both my children, and I had the opportunity to seek adventure and move my family to Colorado, and I do spend most of our family’s free time exploring nature, and maybe I will feel that Italian sunshine some day.

I cannot embrace an idea of making each day count or instill that value in my children if I am too busy longing for what I might not have. I am ashamed to say there was a time when I lamented the fact that we never take big, week-long family vacations over the summer. I love to travel and live for a good family adventure. Owning a family business prevents us from taking off whenever we want. It is a bit more difficult to be spontaneous, so our family takes mini-getaways. We escape for a day or two or a long weekend numerous times throughout the year. This is a great setup for my little clan. We get to take more adventures in smaller doses while diversifying our destinations and activities. We make each day count. It is a win win. Our entire summer can be considered a staycation, and we do take a full week off at Christmas. Can you imagine there was a time that I pouted about this arrangement? I had the audacity to envy people with week long family vacations? THAT is an awful jealous person.

I have fresh food to eat, a comfortable bed to sleep in every night, a career that I love. I have my health, and I can’t remember the last day I did not genuinely laugh out loud over something. My children, while not the best at posing for family pictures, are incredible little people who teach me so much. My home is not in Colorado anymore, but it is exactly where I need to be, surrounded by amazing, kind, and smart human beings. Some nerve I had complaining about that setup! But I am learning to step back and reframe with gratitude. As Strayed simply states, “It really is that easy....stop being an awful jealous person.” Just stop.

When I shift my thoughts to gratitude, I can feel lighter, free from bitterness and envy, and experience true happiness at seeing others live their life in a big way. I can sincerely enjoy the view of the green grass on their side while savoring every moment in the lush green goodness right here.

Our good friends were vacationing in Colorado this week. I got lots of practice NOT being an awful jealous person.