An Examined Life

You know the best way over's through

So if it matters let it matter…

They say you know it ain't easy

I wouldn't want it to be

Cause ease is for the shallow

But we were from the deep

Johnnyswim - “Let It Matter”

I was sitting in my office on Thursday solving the world’s problems with my colleague/soul sister/writing partner. “Maybe things have always been this hard, and we are just becoming more aware as we get older,” I whined. Then I had to look up the Socrates quote about how the unexamined life is not worth living. I couldn’t remember the exact source, but I knew it was important and fitting. Yes, maybe that is the answer. We are just becoming wise - deep thinkers in our old age. (I can hardly type this statement with a straight face).

Then I stumbled upon a quote from Glennon Doyle Melton:

“I understand now that I’m not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I explain that now, when someone asks me why I cry so often, I say, ‘For the same reason I laugh so often - because I’m paying attention.’”

I did a double take. Did I write this? I wish I wrote this. Her words say exactly what I have been trying to verbalize for weeks. I have claimed and owned my beautiful mess, but what I am feeling is not my mess alone; it is the whole big mess of this world, and I have just recently started paying attention.

I have been completely seized by the idea of being present, making each moment count, loving my here and now. Too many years have slipped away in my busy, Type A fulfillment of duties and to-do lists, so I am putting on the brakes and changing my approach to living, for my sake and my family’s sake. But along the way, I discovered the real kicker that Melton is mentioning. You can’t be present for all the beauty in life without noticing the bumps and deep canyons along the way. When you are truly training your mind and heart to pay attention, you must learn to see and feel it all. You must learn to drop the filters and fully embrace vulnerability.

As a young adult, it was easy to limit my field of vision. I tended to focus on myself - my goals, my plans and my immediate desires. I had a very narrow, small view of the world and people around me. With age, motherhood, ailing parents, soul searching, and intentional self-improvement, I have learned to open my eyes and heart to much more right here in my present, everyday life. While I feel more whole than I ever have in my 37 years, I am also completely exposed and vulnerable. As Melton mentions, I do laugh a lot, but I also have 2-3 tear-filled meltdowns per week. When a student, co-worker, friend, parent or child is hurting, I am right there with them in that moment. If I am genuinely paying attention, how in the world could I not be affected? I feel it all in a deep way.

Some days, it’s as though I have the crushing weight of the world on my shoulders, and I cave or break. I crack open and all the emotions come flooding out. I cannot even count the number of times I have cried to my friends about all of my worries after finishing a grueling workout. Perhaps I use all my energy moving weight, so then I have to spill out my insides to my box mates. My younger self would perceive these emotional outbursts as weak or lacking self-control. I would tell her to worry about her own self because she is missing the forest for the trees. She is worrying about what other people think, limiting her own ability to participate and be fully present in her life and the lives of her loved ones. She needs to pay attention.

Maybe my friend and I were on to something. We are living an examined life, and it is completely exhausting and all-consuming. We have to talk each other through our kids’ meltdowns and heartbreaks, coach each other through helping students at our job, push each other to read and write for creative expression, and participate in our community and world as informed citizens who are paying attention in the most important ways. We laugh and cry, but we face life and this messy world head on. We watch and read about issues of inequality, injustice, racism, sexism, sickness, heartache, abuse and poverty in the world, occasionally even washing up on the shores of our lives. We stand ready with open hearts and use our positions as mothers, teachers, friends and humans to help if even in the tiniest ways. Mary Oliver writes, “May I be the tiniest nail in the house of the universe, tiny but useful.” There can be no action without acknowledgement and awareness. Examining our lives and surroundings enables us to be present and ready to help whenever possible. Even if we feel broken at times, we can do our best to show up and be useful.

We begin a semester in green...a new
beginning. 

I will humbly thank Melton for giving words to exactly what I have been feeling. It’s possible to be both whole and broken by a messy world all at the same time. I can let my light shine through all the deep cracks and splits ripped through my heart each time I get a call about my dying mother, a student who was abused, a friend who has cancer, or my child struggling to find his/her place in this big, scary world. My soul sister and I can make broken look beautiful as we stand with our heads held high fearlessly embracing life in the moment. We can, indeed, live an examined, messy, authentic life that is totally worth all the tears we might shed along the way.