A Misuse of My Imagination

“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems.”

― Epictetus

I have always been an uptight person. My default, Type A, control freak mode is instinctual. But after I had children my anxiety grew to mammoth proportions--like “You-couldn’t-handle-a-day-in-my-head” type of anxiety. From the minute I held my newborn child in my arms, the world was suddenly filled with danger and risks beyond my control. I remember moments of complete paralysis, a deer in headlights trying to manage the everyday mundane details of motherhood. Would I drop my baby? Would a taxi run up on the sidewalk and smash into my stroller (we lived in NYC at the time)? My brain was filled with fear and terror that prevented me from enjoying my first months of motherhood. It was suffocating and came as such a shock. None of the parenting books had warned me about this one.

My children are now ages 8 and 11. I have grown up a lot as a mother and gained back a bit of my sanity and rationality about the world around us. I can enjoy my days without completely helicoptering and hovering around my little humans. Yet the anxiety is still there. I have days that I wake up struggling to breathe because I am faced with ordinary, everyday tasks that I should be able to handle. I let menial tasks bog me down and send my mind spiraling to negative, stressful places. Fortunately, I have learned to identify my moments of panic for what they are - temporary bouts of anxiety that cause a physical reaction: increased heart rate, shortness of breath, tightening in my chest. Understanding my tendency to get overwhelmed and anxious, I have found numerous ways to self medicate and treat (or prevent) this anxiety from robbing me of my peace of mind and ability to live in the present.

As a CrossFit coach and affiliate owner, it comes as no surprise that I will say regular exercise contributes greatly to my ability to control my nerves and mind. Physical activity and movement take me out of my own head and allow me to focus on the task at hand. Sweat and work literally cleanse me from the inside out. When I am working out, I am surrounded by my friends and community, which also serves to take me out of my own paranoias. Whenever possible, I try to get in my exercise outside in the sunshine. A healthy dose of Vitamin D will always lift me up.

Aside from movement, I also need stillness and rest. There might be no greater influence on my emotional well-being than sleep. In our house, we call it “magic sleep” when we go to bed like a lion and wake up like a lamb, fully transformed and ready to interact with the world.  My body needs rest to recover from the wear and tear of using it everyday, but my brain needs time to turn off and reset. I am a solid sleeper. I average 7-8 hours of sleep per night. On days I coach early, this involves going to bed at 8:30 or 9, which sounds like a downer, but I can better enjoy every waking hour if I have the rest I need to maintain emotional balance.

In the last few years, I have discovered the direct link between my nutrition and my anxiety. A nutrient-dense, anti inflammatory diet is what keeps me performing and feeling my best. I am human and happen to really enjoy tacos, pizza and gelato, but I have come to realize the importance of being aware of what I put into my body. If I completely let go on the weekends and indulge in multiple treats and eat high quantities of gluten or sugar, I wake up with the weight of the world on my chest Monday morning. Consuming gluten and inflammatory foods has a direct correlation to my mental balance. When my brain is fed the nutrients it needs, it tends to be sharper and more willing to rationally handle my everyday life.

Surrounding myself with people who build me up and “get me” has become a huge part of staying healthy and ready for the present. My husband is always supportive and tends to let me know when I appear to need a workout, a walk outside or just a long talk. My close friend, who happens to be very rational and level-headed, allows me to schedule “worry meetings.” I can save up all my concerns and dump them out to her. We usually laugh at the absurdity of most of my worries, but when there are valid concerns, such as my mother’s Alzheimer’s or a friend who has cancer, she helps me breathe and think it through. I also have co-workers and fellow coaches who listen and help me to diffuse my “crazy” in moments of panic. I am so thankful for the tribe of people who regularly help me pull it together.

In a world that tends to look for a pill or quick fix for all that ails us,  few people want to hear how much work needs to go into maintaining both physical and mental health. Everything is connected. My personal experience has taught me that I cannot only exercise or eat my way to a balanced, healthy mind. There are so many interconnected, moving parts, each just as important as the next. Striking a healthy balance comes from self-exploration and learning to listen and pay attention to what my mind and body need on a daily basis.